Ain't Nobody Got Time For This

We're sure some people get a huge kick out of a superclose playoff race. The idea of the Tigers coming from behind in the last weeks--no, days--of the season probably gets some people going. Okay. We respect that. Pennant races are an exciting thing, especially when it's do-or-die for a playoff spot! So to you thrill-seekers, risk-takers, horror-movie lovers: this playoff season is for you!!!

However, to the vast majority of us, our thoughts can only be summed up thusly:

That's right, Sweet Brown. Ain't NOBODY got time for the shit that the Tigers are pulling. After a disappointing series against the god-awful Indians, Jim Leyland & Co. decide to play twisted games with our hearts and minds by being SWEPT by the Boy Wonder and his team out in La La Land. We just have to say something really quick about the Angels--shouldn't they be a lot better than they are playing right now? I mean, holy crow, look at that lineup! Look at that rotation! The should at least be in 2nd place in the West! But we digress. It is the Tigers (many) problems and errors we should be worried about, not some other team.

I mean, what the hell was that out in LA? An unmitigated disaster, for sure, but can we please just look at the state of our offense? Pathetic. And the state of Justin Verlander? I mean, we know he is but one man, and a mortal man at that, but holy crap this is not the time for our ace to choke. It is also not the time for our offense to let down our other starters (Sanchez, Scherzer) when they throw a good game.

(Luckily, Kansas City is playing their troll role to perfection once more and took 2 out of 3 from the Sox. Beautifully done! Of course, we wouldn't mind if they played like poo against our boys.)

And then of course we get to Chicago. After we were humiliated in game one, the three of us were about to shoot off an R-rated, rage-fueled post that would make our few readers remaining to us run screaming. However, lack of time due to school-work-anger delayed this post one day, and we're happy it did. Mister Fister pitched splendidly and the offense-gasp!-actually came through in the clutch.

So now here we are, back in the usual spot of two-games-back-with-two-to-play against the White Sox. Our best (we think) two pitchers are on the mound, and hopefully our offense can get inspired enough to back them up. HOPEFULLY our team can do this for us, so we can continue this heart-attack of a season with slightly better footing. 

But seriously, Tigers: no one wants to watch this up-and-down bullcrap anymore. Just win the games you should be winning. For our sakes, and for yours.

Group Effort

What an interesting series in Baltimore! Blowout wins, Good-Starting-Pitching-And-Timely-Hitting wins, and the dreaded Almost win. We took 2 of 3 from Baltimore (should have been 3 of 3, but whatever) and we looked damn good doing it too.

Let's talk about Doug Fister for a moment. Poor, sweet Dougie, who's been shaky due to injury all year long, is going to get his swagger back in the second half. We just know it. He looked sharp and in command on Friday, buoyed by ample run support (hell-o, Miguel Cabrera Moonshot!) and dazzling defensive plays (suck it, Berry Haters!). Friday was good.

Then comes Saturday. After a not-so-sharp outing by Max Scherzer (but good enough to keep us in the game) the Tigers mounted an out-of-nowhere comeback to tie the Orioles in the bottom of the 9th. However, after blowing the save TWICE (thanks Valverde and Benoit!), we didn't escape with the win, which meant we came back only to extend the game two hours and lose anyway. Well, you know what we have to say to that? WHAT. EVER. Our boys showed more fight in that game then they had in the majority of games in the first half of the season. While we were frustrated with the outcome for sure, it wasn't a bad loss in the slightest.

And then Sunday, we rebounded. Justin "The Second Coming" Verlander shook off those awful, nasty Kate Upton rumors (not like he needed to shake them off, really--the whole thing is just bullshit) and threw 8 innings of 3-hit ball. Yes, two of those hits came from his arch-nemesis, Jim Thome, but it was a beautiful outing all the same. Clutch homers from Austin Jackson and Miggy (yep, that's number 20, folks) and some nice manufactured runs helped solidify the W, and our boys cruised home three games above .500.

And now we will be tested. The good-maybe-even-very-good Angels are coming into town tomorrow, and while we won't be facing Jered Weaver this time around, no one has forgotten last year. And of course after that we play the division leading Chicago White Sox, our hated rivals. It's going to be an exciting (if stressful) week of baseball. Bring on the drama!

We Wish We Could Quit You

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I love the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie."
-Eminem feat. Rihanna, "Love the Way You Lie"

Rage. Torment. Despair. Humiliation. All of those emotions and adjectives applied to our Detroit Tigers' most recent series against the Cleveland Indians. That was one of the most brutal, demoralizing, and poorly-played series we've seen in a long time. A very long time. We were actually convinced Justin Verlander was going to blow up the clubhouse on Thursday.

Did you see the amount of tweets that said stuff like, "I'm done with the Tigers!" or "Never watching these idiots again!" or "FIRE LEYLAND" or "We want Brandon Inge back!" Yeah, there were a shitload of those flying around the past few days. Normally we scorn and scoff at the bandwagon fans who diss the Tigers every time they lose, but man did this team deserve some of the pure hate that came their way. That series was disgusting. Worse still, the offensive MVP of the season so far, Austin Jackson, just landed on the DL. The three of us mutually agreed watching a Tigers game was equivalent to eating glass, and our minds and bodies could not take much more of this abuse. Thank the Lord we aren't as attached this season!, we said.

And then.

And then we were back in front of the TV at 8 o clock, ready to watch the game. We were back to watch what we believed was another inevitable Tigers loss filled with shitty bullpen pitching and non-existent hitting. We were ready to turn to each other after the game, smile feebly and unconvincingly, and whisper "Who needs 'em anyway? Hahahahaha!"

And then!

And then our boys won today, in loud and sexy fashion, by piling on 10 runs off of 15 hits. Our boys again showed flashes of the team that they very easily could be, if they would just pull their heads out of their assholes and remember how to hit and field and pitch. Smiley Smyly showed us once again why we love him so. So did Alex Avila. So did Prince Fielder. So did Brennan Boesch. And while Quintin Berry is no Jackson, he is easy on the eyes. So that is an obvious plus.

However. We've been fooled before. We've been waiting for some mystical magical "spark" that would get this group going, and every time we thought we found one (anytime JV did anything, walk-off wins, etc.) our heart would just be broken the next day or the day after when the Tigers lost in some pathetic manner. Such abuse! Such torment! We know what our boy Em and our girl RiRi are talking about now.

While we might have just actually compared watching 2012 Tigers Baseball to domestic violence, we think it's time for everyone to put on their happy faces and adopt a new attitude, us included. It's still so freaking early. The division is still ours to lose, no matter what some dumbass Indians fan might say. So we have another song to represent our current state of mind:

"Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."
-Rick Astley, "Never Gonna Give You Up"

That's right. We ain't NEVER gonna give up on this Tigers team. Though it will be trying at times, especially when our boys look like little leaguers (a.k.a what they look like right now) we are just incapable of abandoning this team right now, and we never ever will be.






That Cleveland series though? BLECH.

Dave Dombrowski is a Sly, Sly, Dog...

...and we LOVE it!

In case you have no Twitter, no Facebook, and you haven't checked the Tigers' homepage in a few days, Prince Fielder is coming to Detroit!

This was probably the best kept secret in all of baseball because it surprised literally everyone. According to the idiots at ESPN, Jim Leyland didn't even know about the deal.  All of a sudden, Detroit baseball is on the map.  The major sports news teams are all abuzz about how amazing we will be in the years to come. We have the pitching, we have the hitting, and now, with Prince, we have the power!  Apparently, he will hit behind Cabrera in the lineup, replacing poor, injured Victor, and Miggy and Prince will split first base and DH.

The best and worst part about this deal?  The length. The deal is for NINE years, and 214 million dollars.  This is excellent because Prince is a career .280 hitter, with an OPS of just under one.  He hits with a lot of power, and if he's hitting behind Cabrera in the lineup, then Cabby will get a lot of on bases.   Cabby/Prince could be the best one-two punch in the American League, if not all of baseball. The negative to this is that if Prince can't make the adjustment to the Tigers, we're saddled with a very expensive benchwarmer.  We think it's an excellent move, however.  The tigers get a great DH to replace Victor Martinez, and when Victor comes back, we will most likely have the best hitting lineup in baseball.

Another great thing about Prince Fielder is that he's the son of Cecil Fielder, who played in Detroit for seven years.  Prince spent a large part of his childhood in the Detroit, and was certainly at one point in his life a tigers fan.  Love of the organization might make his transition here easier.  We're expecting more dugout shenanigans and hopefully another large personality on the team.

What does all this mean for Detroit?  Only good things.  We have an amazing pitching staff inVerlander, Fister, Porcello, Scherzer, Valverde, Coke, and Aburquerque, and we have some of the best hitters in baseball in Cabrera, Peralta, Avila (and least for a catcher), and now Prince.  We also have three of the biggest stars in the game: Fielder, Cabrera, and Verlander.  This all will put Detroit on the map in terms of both skill and star power, and we might have more exposure on the nation networks. (We can dream, right?)

We have to tip our caps to Dave Dombrowski for orchestrating what was probably a last minute trade in response to Victor's ACL injury.  Bravo, Dave, and welcome home, Sweet Prince!

P.S.  We screamed for a full 30 seconds when we saw this, no joke.  WE HAVE PRINCE FIELDER, SUCKAS!

Withdrawal

Media Darlings!

This winter is getting pretty gruesome. Not weather-wise, mind you, but baseball-wise. Dave Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' Front Office has figuratively thrown all us Tigers fans into a barren, cruel, no-Tigers-news world and slammed the Door of Exciting Offseason Moves in our faces.

Dramatic? Hmm, maybe, but are we really the only ones experiencing withdrawal so bad that it's only comparable to Jared Leto's condition circa Requiem for a Dream? We kind of doubt it.  Once we get over our misery, however, it would be good of us to note that there is some upcoming fun stuff for us Tiger faithful. Let us list them!

1. Justin Verlander is on Conan!
This one is actually very, very exciting. This Wednesday night at 11 pm Justin Brooks Verlander will be gracing us with his glorious and godly presence on Conan on TBS. Now that he is Cy Young winner/MVP/Lord of All Baseball, I'm sure JV and Conan will talk at length about baseball stuff, how it feels to be so amazing, what is up with all the Ed Hardy stuff, blah blah blah. Speaking of which, what will Verlander wear? Seriously, the two of them could talk about dirt and we would be glued to the screen. Anything that connects us to the Tigs is a win win!

2. Rick Porcello was on MLB Network
Yes, we know this isn't an upcoming thing and that it already happened, but still...LOOK AT HIM! Watch his glorious interaction with the group has he regales us with stories ranging from his legendary takedown of Kevin PUKElis (original, we know), his 2010 struggles, and how hard it is to find a girlfriend gym in the offseason. And as usual Ricky is looking damn fine, if a little pale. It was a "Hot Stove" indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course it was nice to see a Tiger finally on there.

3.
…

Yeah. "…"You know why? BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE. As glorious as it was to see Porcello and it will be to see Verlander, we all better start praying to Tebow that there will be something else going on in the near future, because we are turning into empty, hollow shells of our former selves due to lack of Tigers news. Maybe this is a good thing; as soon as the baseball season does actually come around, the three of us begin to act like one-track-minded 13-year-old boys, but instead of girls and boobs and girls all we can think of is baseball and baseball and baseball. So at least we have a semblance of a normal life. BUT IT'S NOT WHAT WE WANT.

The only thing that could sate us would be some nice, big happy signing or a safe-yet-inventive trade. Something that would result in a quality player who is a great addition to the team. An interesting/good player is the only thing we ask for!

…Well, either that or Rick Porcello signing a contract to model for Calvin Klein Underwear.

Withdrawal really is making us crazy.

How to Cope with Heartbreak

Is it really the end? Is this season really over?

We have to admit, we've been pretty devastated over the past week. Not because we're disappointed with our boys. No. They put in a phenomenal effort against the crazy-talented Rangers. That series could have swung either way, which is perhaps one of the greatest contributing factors to our woe. But we'll take that loss. It was well-deserved by the Rangers, and, except for the last game, the Tigers proved to be no pushover.

The worst feeling, though--the emotion that you are all feeling--is heartbreak. What a beautiful season, with a lovable cast of characters that made up the best team we've seen in a while. And its over. It's done. We're not going to see our boys for five months. Five. Months. It's like a dear friend or loved one just leaves you and won't come back for months and months and months and you have to suffer through the long and lonely winter yourself and you miss them already and it has rained everyday since they've been gone or at least it feels like it and you LOVE them and--

Okay. You get the picture. You feel the pain.

And isn't such a huge freaking tease to see the Rangers and Cardinals duke it out, looking all happy and excited because, har har har, they're still in it? We tried to watch Game One of the series, but that involved a feeling akin to having our chests beaten with a spiked club. How dare they feel so happy! They're taking their season for granted! STOP! Enjoy every moment, you fools!

Oh my gosh. We're just going to miss them so. Much.

But, like any relationship "on a break", it's healthier to look back on the good instead of the bad. Hey, remember that time we came back seven runs down on the White Sox? That's when we knew. That's when we, the fans of Detroit, knew we were in love with those crazy kids. Really, truly in love.

Our infatuation started much earlier than that, though. Justin Brooks Verlander and his no-hitter, for instance. That's when sports media decided to turn their collective eye from the east coast and finally realize that this Verlander kid was pretty good.

Yes, this team defied everyone (even us Tiger faithful) from the beginning, what with Big Mig getting arrested for a DUI. The media crucified him, saying that his wayward ways would have extremely negative affects on his baseball career. What did Miggy do then? Oh, nothing much, just put together an MVP caliber season with a batting title thrown in for kicks. Up yours, naysayers!

And what about Victor? What a great mentor and leader he was for the team. What a great dad. What a clutch hitter. He was practically in pieces by the end of the season, but he still had enough in him to motivate our team. He gave everything tonight! (Thanks, Pitbull).

Alex Avila. One of the most unexpected turnarounds we've ever seen. From anyone. And Juh-honny too. He got in great shape and had a career year. Papa Grande….he was the perfect closer. He was scary at times (really, really scary). But he never failed us in a save situation. Not once. We can't ask any more from him.

And of course, our late acquisitions Doug Fister and Delmon Young (and for most of the regular season, before he got injured, Wilson Betemit) really, really helped us out. Without Fister especially, we probably wouldn't have gotten past New York. We might not even have gone to the playoffs!

Speaking of New York, too…what a series. To beat them in their own park? Unreal. Beating the Yankees when not many thought we could really showed that the Detroit Tigers are a seriously good team, and will remain so for the next few years. And come on, how amazing was it to take it to those stupid, puffed up arrogant sons of bitches?! The best feeling in the world.

And of course…Magglio. But we will not go on about him here. Soon we will do our Ode to Ordonez post, where we will revel in his glory. We miss you already, Maggs. The D is not the same without you.

Looking back on the good really did ease some of the pain. And five (or is it four? Can't count in our haze of depression) months is not forever. Our boys will come back rested, beautiful, glowing, and (hopefully) healed, ready to take the AL Central again. We really can't wait. Until then, we will look back on a truly amazing season. See you soon, boys. And thank you.

Oh, and for all of the people who have so very kindly read our blog and linked us and commented and emailed? Thank you very much as well! We had no idea how this would go or if people would like it, so your support means so much. We've had a lot of fun doing this so far, and don't plan on stopping anytime soon. What a fun first season for blogging!

Now, back to our Lifetime movies, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and Coldplay music. There's only so much reflection we can take...

Make It or Break It

So. That was a fun series, right guys?

Tigers vs. Twins. 1st place vs. 4th place. In Detroit. Tigers acquired a very good player from the Twins in Delmon Young. The Tigers should have been completely dominant for the whole series. They certainly were when Verlander was on the mound. As per usual, Justin was amazing. But this fairly dramatic blog post isn't going to be dwelling on the shiny happy points of the series so much.

No, this post is going to be focused on the fact that, after tonight's soul-crushing, heartbreaking loss with the Cleveland Idiots breathing down our necks once again, it is now officially time for our boys to show up or go home.

What exactly do we mean by this? Well, we'll tell you AFTER THE JUMP...

An Emotionally-Charged, Overdramatic Account of Tigers vs. White Sox, 6/4/11

Where do we even begin with this game? The Tigers score two runs in the first and make Edwin Jackson look like a fool. Then they leave ten men on base, score no runs, and let the hated Chicago White Sox, led by bleached-blond bully AJ Pierzynski, get back in the game. Then, when all seems lost and it looks like the Sox steal the game, magic happens.

First comes "The Catch." Verlander, with two outs and men on first and third, faces AJ. The sight of his mean, brutish face elicited jeers and screams of hate from us. No one wants to see AJ Pierzynski come up with a clutch RBI, especially not Justin Verlander. The 2-1 grounder from AJ looked as if it was doomed to shoot up the middle, but Justin had other plans. With the Tiger-like reflexes instilled in him by the Baseball Gods, Justin, sprawled on his back, grabbed the ball with his left hand, and fired to first to end the inning. His middle name may not be Grace (it's Brooks) but he damn sure got the job done. Afterwards, while walking oh so cooly to the dugout, he flashed a smile of mirth. He knew how good he looked. Our hearts melted.

After that, the tide had changed.

After Justin got out of the jam, it looked like the team knew they had to pull out this win for their ace. First up was Austin "Action" Jackson. Jackson was on a mission all night, and decided to add to his already impressive stats by living up to his nickname and drilling a triple in deep center. The three of us were extremely pleased. Obviously, with a man on third and no outs this was going to be cake.

WRONG.

DK stepped confidently to the plate. After all, all he had to do was hit a simple sac fly or even a well-placed groundout to secure the lead. So, in true DK fashion, he popped out to second base. At least we got some emotion out of him. Dramatically slamming his well-oiled bat against the ground, DK stormed off to the dugout where we assume he was greeted with frosty silence from Justin Brooks Verlander. In our home, we were slightly worried, but we knew that with only one out, our boys could get it done.
Especially with Brennan Boesch up next. Baby B, with a 2-run homer already under his belt,  swaggered to the plate. We knew out of anyone he could put in a good sac fly, right?

WRONG. AGAIN.

Baby B struck out, and one look at Verlander's dangerous expression indicated that if this run did not score, there would be blood. Then stepped up Miguel Cabrera, who so far had gone 0-for-3. As true Tigers baseball fans, We Believed.  
Miguel quickly worked the count to 0-and-2. The three of us, in our den of anxiety, ranged in emotion from tense to hysterical. We knew our boy definitely had the ability to do it. But would he?

THIRD TIME'S THE CHARM.

Miguel launched the most beautiful shot to right field. Yes, you guessed it, a two-run-homer to give the Tigers the lead! Justin exulted, the dugout erupted, Cabrera side-stepped his way to glory. We screamed like lunatics. The resulting celebration included a joyful hug from Verlander, who was grinning ear-to-ear, a high five so forceful it was audible on our television screen from Austin, and the single most badass handshake that we've ever seen from Baby B. It. Was. Amazing.

It was so amazing that we had completely forgotten poor Victor Martinez, who promptly grounded out to third. But no matter. Valverde danced his way to a win and the entire team seemed to be on cloud nine. Not only that, but we moved even closer to the evil and hated Cleveland Indians and produced one of the most memorable games of the season. Did the Tigers play perfectly? Absolutely not. But this is the kind of win that stays in the heart, and swings momentum in our direction. Well done, boys. Well done.

PS-Were we the only ones who saw that crazy, M&M jacket-wearing White Sox fan sitting behind home plate? He was hysterical. His hateful reactions to Adam Dunn alone seeped through the screen and into our living room. And who thinks it's appropriate to wear and M&M jacket to a baseball game?! To anywhere?!?!?! He was a treat. No pun intended.