We Wish We Could Quit You

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I love the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie."
-Eminem feat. Rihanna, "Love the Way You Lie"

Rage. Torment. Despair. Humiliation. All of those emotions and adjectives applied to our Detroit Tigers' most recent series against the Cleveland Indians. That was one of the most brutal, demoralizing, and poorly-played series we've seen in a long time. A very long time. We were actually convinced Justin Verlander was going to blow up the clubhouse on Thursday.

Did you see the amount of tweets that said stuff like, "I'm done with the Tigers!" or "Never watching these idiots again!" or "FIRE LEYLAND" or "We want Brandon Inge back!" Yeah, there were a shitload of those flying around the past few days. Normally we scorn and scoff at the bandwagon fans who diss the Tigers every time they lose, but man did this team deserve some of the pure hate that came their way. That series was disgusting. Worse still, the offensive MVP of the season so far, Austin Jackson, just landed on the DL. The three of us mutually agreed watching a Tigers game was equivalent to eating glass, and our minds and bodies could not take much more of this abuse. Thank the Lord we aren't as attached this season!, we said.

And then.

And then we were back in front of the TV at 8 o clock, ready to watch the game. We were back to watch what we believed was another inevitable Tigers loss filled with shitty bullpen pitching and non-existent hitting. We were ready to turn to each other after the game, smile feebly and unconvincingly, and whisper "Who needs 'em anyway? Hahahahaha!"

And then!

And then our boys won today, in loud and sexy fashion, by piling on 10 runs off of 15 hits. Our boys again showed flashes of the team that they very easily could be, if they would just pull their heads out of their assholes and remember how to hit and field and pitch. Smiley Smyly showed us once again why we love him so. So did Alex Avila. So did Prince Fielder. So did Brennan Boesch. And while Quintin Berry is no Jackson, he is easy on the eyes. So that is an obvious plus.

However. We've been fooled before. We've been waiting for some mystical magical "spark" that would get this group going, and every time we thought we found one (anytime JV did anything, walk-off wins, etc.) our heart would just be broken the next day or the day after when the Tigers lost in some pathetic manner. Such abuse! Such torment! We know what our boy Em and our girl RiRi are talking about now.

While we might have just actually compared watching 2012 Tigers Baseball to domestic violence, we think it's time for everyone to put on their happy faces and adopt a new attitude, us included. It's still so freaking early. The division is still ours to lose, no matter what some dumbass Indians fan might say. So we have another song to represent our current state of mind:

"Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."
-Rick Astley, "Never Gonna Give You Up"

That's right. We ain't NEVER gonna give up on this Tigers team. Though it will be trying at times, especially when our boys look like little leaguers (a.k.a what they look like right now) we are just incapable of abandoning this team right now, and we never ever will be.






That Cleveland series though? BLECH.

Oy.

Well. We needed to get at least one win in this series, didn't we? Going 1-6 in our own homefield (with a humiliating sweep by the Mariners) and losing a game we should have won to the Yankees was bad enough.The worst, however, came at 3 AM Friday morning when our own Delmon Young was arrested.

This has been a tough week and a half. Losing three series in a row--and going a depressing 2-8 during that stretch--hasn't done much to raise our morale. We know we've been preaching that the Tigers will get it together, it's only April, blah blah blah. All this is still true, and we are 99% confident that our team will eventually figure their shit out and comfortably win the division. And if we win tomorrow, we will technically be above .500 for the month of April. And looking at our ridiculous hard April schedule contrasted with a much-easier May, this can only bode well.

Like we said, however, we've got some major things to figure out. Max Scherzer, for instance. He seems to be reverting back to his old schizophrenic self, and now we're just waiting for that game when it all clicks for him and he starts pitching like Ace #3 again. For now, however, its frustrating watching anyone not named Justin Verlander, Drew Smyly, Octavio Dotel, or Duane Below pitch. Our relief core has been mediocre at best to abysmal at worst.

The hitters, too, need to start picking it up. Though there has been a few positive signs: (Miguel Cabrera coming back from his slump with a vengeance, Prince Fielder's continued production, Austin Jackson proving himself as a capable leadoff man) the lineup is not clicking as a whole. Yet. Just like last year, we predict they will start really coming together pretty soon. You can only keep hitters as talented as these down for a matter of time, though why they are "down" at all is kind of confusing. We should be murdering opposing pitchers, even at this early stage in the season.

This leads us to the most pressing matter--Delmon Young's arrest. We're not going to go too far into what we think about his alleged screaming of hateful Jewish slurs while extremely intoxicated, and that's mostly because we don't know enough information yet. But if everything said in the papers is true (and according to our hero Dave Dombrowski, it's not) then our opinion of Delmon's character is significantly lower.

Some people wonder if this kind of thing can damage a team, and question whether our clubhouse will rebound from it. Hello? Remember last year when our best player was arrested for a DUI, which was his second brush with the law involving alcohol? Yeah, we do too, and guess what? Our team (and the player in question) bounced back just fine. That being said, this situation is pleasant for no one, and it is one of the last things that our boys need right now. But this is something that they can recover from.

Long story short, we still have a lot (and we mean a lot) of confidence in our team. But this shit ain't pretty, and the team needs to rally around one another in this time of need and turn this slump around.

Random Tiger's Thoughts from Megan: April in the D's First 2012 Game

Hi guys!

So, it's taken me a little while to get this post up, but I was able to go to CoPa for the first time this year, due to a birthday surprise from a couple friends.  Awesome I know. Overall, I was really happy with the tiger's performance. It was the second game of the double-header against the Rangers, so I got to see a Tiger's win, and it was just plain exciting to see JV face off against Feliz in a killer pitcher's duel.  The seats were great, we won the game, and I got to enjoy great company, but there was one thing I could not get over... the overall hatred Tiger's fans seem to have against Brandon Inge.

I understand completely that the guy sucks at baseball right now.  He came into Saturday's game hitting .071.  He'd have to be an anorexic 8th grade girl to even begin to be hitting his weight.  His defense at second base isn't so good that he can hit that poorly. And even though it's the beginning of the season, it is a disturbing trend.  I understand all of this, and I personally would rather have Danny Worth up here than Inge.

I'm not going to constantly heckle the poor guy throughout the entire game though!  One of the girls that went to the game with me was kind of disturbed by it.  She is a diehard Cards fan from St. Louis and felt really bad for Inge.  When other people's fans feel bad for a guy, you know the situation has gotten out of hand.  It's okay to boo him when he misplays an easy ball. If he strikes out for the third time in one day, groans of disappointment are acceptable.  But what's sad is that people were heckling him before he even started to play.  I guess that as a Tiger's fan that doesn't have the privilege to attend many games, I don't want to spend my time harassing my team.  I'd rather heckle the Rangers.  I don't see what real Tigers fans have to gain from bothering Brandon throughout the entire game. I doubt it's going to make him a better second-baseman.

The thing that shocks me most about this whole "We hate Brandon" trend is that he was one of the most beloved players one or two years ago.  There are those who have always hated him, but as loyal fans, I honestly don't think we should be kicking the guy while he's down.  I mean, he doesn't have to play for the Tigers, but Jim Leyland doesn't need a belligerent "YOU SUCK, BRANDON" to tell him that. Let Brandon play the game, and Leyland will decide whether or not Brandon plays at Comerica or  in triple A.

Other than that, I had a fabulous time! I was kind of obsessed with the new huge Tiger sign on top the new huge megatron-thing. It's really cool!

Rant over.  That was kind of a bad loss to the mariners, but I'm still optimistic about the season! Go Tigers!

Pools of Sorrow, Waves of…More Sorrow

*SOB*

"In this long and lonely offseason, it's almost safe to say that any news is good news. Almost."
-April in the D, 1/16/12 (yesterday)

YEAH. That's a pretty freaking big almost.

Here we are, crying and whining about how boring this offseason is. How uneventful the past few months have been. Well, boo f**king hoo, because karma bit us and all the other greedy Tiger fans in the butt. In case you haven't heard, one of the best hitters and strongest leaders on the team, Victor Martinez, tore his ACL and is expected to undergo surgery. Surgery that would most likely sideline him for THE REST OF THE YEAR.

We don't know about the rest of you, but the three of us reacted in the following ways:
1) Tears. Many Tears.
2) Waves of Nausea
3) Strong Language
4) Equally Strong Desire to Punch a Wall
5) Fervent Denial ("Stupid internet rumors! THEY'RE SO SILLY")
6) Wild Conspiracy Theories ("Those nasty Yankees are getting back at us! THEY DID THIS")
7) Dark Acceptance ("Of course this would happen to us. The Tigers have the worst luck ever")


Poor, sweet V-Mart. What did he do to deserve such a thing? Of course it would happen to someone as glorious and good and leadership-y as him. It seriously couldn't have happened to anyone on the Rangers? They're dripping with offensive talent. Or what about Milton Bradley? He's a dick! Nooooo, it had to happen to Father of the Century Victor Martinez, a man who's on a team that, offensively, is wildly uneven talent-wise.

The reason we resisted posting this a few hours earlier was because the wounds were still fresh and painful. The wounds are still fresh and painful now, but we have moved on from Dark Acceptance and have reached

8) Looking Forward

V-Mart is good and gone for at least the first three quarters of the season. So now it is up to our fearless leader, Dave Dombrowski, to do his job and find us a replacement. Now he has some options; he could find a tried-and-true DH (like Vladimir Guerrero…we like that idea) and keep the rest of the lineup as is, or he could find a new left fielder (like Yoennis Cespedes…intriguing) or second baseman and move Delmon Young to DH. Another option, of course, is to find a replacement internally (like putting Ryan Raburn in the outfield).

We don't know about you, but to us there is nothing quite as horrifying as losing V-Mart and then replacing him with Ryan "I Suck Big in the First Half" Raburn. Look, we like Ryan Raburn. He has his pros, but he also most definitely has his cons. The three of us don't think that the Detroit system has enough talent to fill in for Victor Martinez effectively and efficiently.

No one is going to be able to fully replace V-Mart. Duh. And certainly no one is going to replace Little Victor. But this awful situation reminds us of another unfortunate event that happened around this time last year. Miguel Cabrera was arrested for a DUI, and many writers and media personalities and "fans" said that it would bring Miggy down and cripple the team. Jim Leyland called that bullshit, and Cabrera went on to win the batting title and lead his team to an ALCS appearance.

This team is tough. They know how to deal with hard situations. If the 2012 Tigers are anything like the 2011 squad, they can bounce back from this.

Of course, Dave has to come through on his end. We wait with baited breath on who he will bring in (if anyone…shudder) to help make something good out of this situation.

A Desperate Plea for Normalcy

Okay.  What is going on with the Tigers?  Why is it that whenever things start going well for us, things somehow fall apart?  This year, there have been a few magical periods of time when the team has had everything going for them.  Our pitchers' stuff was nasty.  Our hitters were not only hitting bombs to left-center, but also manufacturing clutch runs when we really needed them to.  However, whenever we start to play really well, either the pitchers stop pitching, or the hitters stop hitting, which is just what happened in yesterday's game and today's game.  We need to get dis ish on track.

Follow us after the break...

Rants and Raves on 6/29/11

We are sitting down to enjoy this Tigers game, and here are some thoughts that are running through our minds as we watch:

So by now obviously you have all heard about/seen Jim Leyland's epic charade meltdown. Two words for ya: HOT. MESS.  We are girls who love when a player (or manager) shows some character, and ol' Jim definitely did on Monday. Only increasing the hilarity was poor Andy Dirks, who looked like he was trying verrrrrryyyy hard not to giggle. He was doing a lot better than Rod & Mario, though, as they sounded as if they were going to wet themselves.  It was all kinds of awesome, and the Tigers ended up winning, so no harm done. In our opinion, Leyland's stock in Badassery increased significantly.

Rick Porcello, however, is a different story. He was still a Hot Mess, but a different kind. Not a good kind. We don't know what is going on with him lately, but he played like crap yesterday. Actually, Daniel Schlereth was worse, giving up two (!!!!!!!) grand slams. Who does that? Not all eight of those runs were on him, but still, thats pretty freaking terrible. Meanwhile, Porcello's average ballooned to 5.06. It seemed like only a few weeks ago it was in the sub 4.00 range.

The Mets, meanwhile, are not hot messes. They are just plain hot, ad we're not just talking about their looks. Right now we're watching the game and the Mets have already posted a 4-spot in the first inning. Look. Jose Reyes is spectacular, but no one else on that offense is. How are we supposed to win when our starting pitching isn't even giving us a chance?? Obviously the game isn't over yet, but Sweet Jesus, it's not looking good.

One thing is for sure: the Mets are an insatiable team. Putting up 14 runs last night wasn't enough for them, apparently. Greedy bitches.

This is such a gloomy post, we thought we'd offer A Ray of Light: Magglio is playing well. We have to be honest, we were divided in our household as to whether it was a good thing that he was coming back. Well, we can happily say that we think he will continue to be an offensive asset. However, he does have the worst luck we've ever seen, as opposing teams' defense continuously make amazing plays against him. Like Jason Bay just did. CRAP.

Let's just hope our boys can pull of a miracle here. It doesn't look great, and technically we shouldn't be publishing this blog post before the game ends, but whatever, we don't care. Besides, this does not look like that fun of a game. Now that we said that, watch the Tigers put up 10 runs or something. We can only hope....

A Commentary on Sports Feminism

I told everyone that I would do this (a Random Tigers Thoughts from Laura) post on Tuesday, but its been a pretty rotten week, and I am only just getting to this now. But after my night tonight, this post should be filled with the rage and passion it so desperately requires. This is no longer a Random Thought; instead, it has evolved into a full-fledged commentary on a very personal subject that is close to all three of our hearts.

The three of us were on our way to our first game of the season together at Comerica Park tonight (Saturday night). It was a gloomy day, cloudy and overcast with no hint of sunshine. If only we knew the shit that was going to come, we wouldn't have gone. But whatever.

First of all, when my sisters and I go to Tigers games, we don't like to look bad. In fact, since it is our disgustingly desperate lifelong dream to date a Tigers player (kidding. Not really. Yeah, we're kidding. Kind of.), we like to look nice. Not slutty, stupid, BumpIt-wearing bimbo-type "nice," but nice. So when people (men especially) act surprised and mock us when they realize we know what we're talking about when it comes to baseball, it pisses us off. And let it be said that this happened more than once today. Then of course, the skies opened up and the game was washed away. But while we waited for the Comerica powers-that-be to tell us that the game was called, we were thinking not of our future husbands, but of a woman. A very specific woman, known to all FSDetroit viewers.

That's right, FSD resident hot-chick-of-the-moment, "Lauren." For the past few months, both on this blog and in the privacy of our home, we have slighted, bashed and berated "Lauren" because of her sensual commercials and her, stripper-like exotic good looks. She is everything the modern-day feminist rejects and everything that the modern-day beer-swilling ex-fratboy embraces. She's beautiful, she wears tight shirts that show off her definitely real chest, and she adds a certain pizzaz to FSD commercials that apparently the actual athletes who play the games we are watching cannot. 


But, while at that sham of a game Saturday night, and being stared at and catcalled like we were pieces of meat, we began to empathize with our sister, "Lauren." I wonder why some men assume that women are unable to understand sports. Instead of bashing Lauren, who on her FSD profile says she loves the Pistons as well as the Tigers, we should accept her into our fold as a fellow sports-lovin' gal. Any woman who promotes a healthy interest in athletics should be celebrated, not persecuted. Go Lauren!


However.


Fox Sports Detroit, you should be ashamed of yourself. How dare you subscribe to the easy-out male advertising pattern of objectifying good-looking women by using their bodies and seductive natures to sell beer, sports, real-estate, peanut butter, what have you. We can guarantee that close to half of your audience does not want to see a twenty-something chick purring into the camera between innings. What is this saying to young girls?! That all they're good for is using their bodies to promote men playing sports? Something which women's bodies has absolutely nothing to do with?!?!?! This is hardly a way to encourage and raise female participation in athletics. If more girls liked sports, then more girls would watch baseball, and your viewership would increase that way, dumbasses. 


Also, what does this say to the girls that know their sports? That FSD doesn't value their business? We watch FSD to watch our favorite sports teams: the Red Wings, the Pistons, and especially the Tigers. We don't watch it to see Lauren pose and smile mindlessly. 


Look. We don't want to give people the wrong impression. We like Fox Sports Detroit. We also enjoy taking pride in our appearances. But so do men. And you don't see FSD thrusting a shirtless Rick Porcello in front of the camera. While that would be a sweet sight, it has nothing to do with baseball (but hey, it has more so to do with baseball than Lauren does). While we state often on this blog about how cute or how hot a certain player might be, we don't go overboard. We don't really want to see random men being objectified same as we don't want to see women objectified. Women know sports. We should be treated as equals, not as eye candy.


So, though we may ramble and rant, we know we are not alone when it comes to our issues with FSD and its advertising choices. And as for Lauren? More power to ya, sister.