A Very Harry Situation...

Take THAT, Voldemort!!

Since everything has been going really well lately (NOT), we've decided to add a little bit of cheer to your day! Presenting, the Tigers! As Harry Potter characters! The three of us recently saw the movie and were inspired to do a little puff piece, so enjoy! 

Harry Potter—Justin Verlander

            He’s such a star, and he’s the chosen one!  Plus, when he pitches he undergoes a radical mood change, which is just like Harry, who is moody about 50% of the time.  Just like Harry Potter, everyone knows Justin Verlander’s name.  If anyone is going to defeat the hated opposing batters on the other team, it’s definitely going to be him.

Ron Weasley—Austin Jackson

            If Austin were a Quidditch player, he’d definitely play keeper.  He covers about 90% of the outfield, so it only makes sense that he’d cover the three Quidditch hoops as well. Ron isn’t the best with his wand, just like Austin isn’t the best with his bat, but both men have other skills that make them great in their respective occupations.  They both seem to be good, friendly, people too.

Hermione Granger—Miguel Cabrera

            Although it pains us to make Miguel a girl, it really is fitting because he is so good at everything.  He knows all the pitchers and exactly how to hit them, just like Hermione can perform any spell just by reading about it in a book.  Not only that, people slight Miguel because of his drinking, just like people look down on Hermione because of her “Mudblood” status.  Hatters gonna hate.

Neville Longbottom— Alex Avila

            Long-Time Loser turned Ultimate Badass? That sounds just like Alex Avila to us!  Although Neville had always seemed like a wimp, when his friends needed him most, he proved instrumental in destroying The Dark Lord.  Just like Neville, Alex has always shown signs of his future greatness.  He has always had a good arm, and it seemed like there was some pop in his bat that came out every blue moon.  When he was given the pressure of the starting job though, Alex turned from a lump of coal into a diamond, just like Neville!

Luna Lovegood—Jose Valverde

            Although Luna’s quiet queerness and Papa’s crazy eccentricities are on opposite sides of the “weird” spectrum, no one can deny that they’re both downright odd. However, just like Luna is a very talented witch, The Big Potato is an incredibly talented closer.  Luna never lets the severity of a situation get to her, and the same goes for Papa.  In the top of the ninth, he always gets to do his dance. 

Rubeas Hagrid—Ryan Raburn

            Why do people like Hagrid?  He’s a big lumbering idiot who is always making stupid mistakes and people keep having to bail him out. Sound familiar?  Ryan Raburn often has a monster second half, but in the first half, he didn’t do too much hitting (at all) and made about a gagillion errors. (Sorry. Not feeling like looking up stats tonight!) I guess he’s a loveable country bumpkin.  That’s got to count for something, right?  Right?!

Collin Creevy—Rick Porcello

            For those of you not-so die-hard Harry Potter fans, Collin Creevy is an annoying young kid who is always following Harry around, asking for autographs and such. While Rick has probably only asked Justin for an autograph once or twice, you can be sure he looks up to him and idolizes him.  The ways Justin has been pitching, C.C. Sabbathia should be looking up to him, for goodness sakes.  Plus, Rick’s the youngest.  Still.

Minerva McGonagall—Victor Martinez

            Always there for her students, Professor McGonagall is a very intelligent witch, and an incredibly dedicated teacher. Victor is always there to mentor the younger players. For example, he completely turned Alex Avila around by recommending him a heavier bat, something he only could have known with years of veteran experience.  Here’s hoping he continues to be a teacher for the rest of the year, and if he’s strict like McGonagall maybe he can whip the Tigers into shape.

Albus Dumbledore—Jim Leyland

            Albus Dumbledore is a controversial figure in the Wizarding world, and the same can be said for Jim Leyland in the world of the Detroit Tigers.  You either love him or you hate him.  Sometimes, Jim has fits of genius where his team wins just because of his managerial skills.  Sometimes you see his line up card and shout, “Jim! What the F***!”  Dumbledore was just as misunderstood, and both he and Jim are fools at heart (as evidenced by the gum incident with Lloyd McClendon.)  Not to mention they’re both old as dirt.

Draco Malfoy—A.J. Pierzynski

            He’s annoying, no one seems to like him, and he’s got that disgusting bleached blonde hair. What more is there to add?

Crabbe & Goyle—Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer

            The M&M twins strike again!  Although they haven’t been too much of a threat this year, you can bet that when Joe gets healthy, these two will be the bane of our existence once more.  They always seem to pack a punch when they’re together, and it always seems like they’re packing that punch against us.

 Lord Voldemort—Umpires

            The only person Voldemort ever feared was Dumbledore, and all the League’s Umpires are pretty scared of Jim Leyland right now. The usually mild-mannered Leyland has twice recently accosted Umpires.  He was a fearsome thing to behold, Jim Leyland was, spewing spit, tobacco and fury in his wake. The Umpires deserved it of course, but one does not just take on an Umpire for fear of losing the game (or having a Perfect Game stolen). It seems like in the past few years, all Umpires ever do is screw over the Tigers.  This is evidence that they are filled with dark magic just like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

If you can think of anyone else who deserves to be on here let us know.  Here's hoping that the Tigers start pitching and hitting again soon. We don't even want to think about the White Sox right now, honestly.