A Message to Brandon Inge

Can you guys believe its been a week since we signed Prince Fielder? We can't. We fluctuate between offhandedly feeling like life has always been this good ("I mean, we know we're going win the AL Central, if not the whole thing. No one can touch us") to actually stopping and thinking about what God himself Mike Illitch did for us and squealing in joy. Everyone in Tiger Nation is overjoyed.

Well. Not everyone.

You either love him or you hate him, and the signing of Prince Fielder will determine where Tigers fan's loyalties lie. Brandon Inge, who is undoubtedly a great person, husband, dad, citizen, yada yada yada, is not the best ballplayer anymore. Nor is he vital to the success of our team. The educated Tigers fan--heck, anyone who isn't an Inge fangirl--knows this.

The question is: does Brandon know this?

He said during the Tigers Caravan that he doesn't want to platoon, he wants to start. Hear that, Don Kelly? Brandon Inge says suck it, because the hot corner is all his. Fast forward to just a few days later and the scenario is Fielder at first and Miguel Cabrera at third. No Brandon Inge in sight, and according to Jim Leyland, he is not a "happy camper."

Oooookay. We know Brandon's reaction to the trade come by just word of mouth, but seriously. For a guy who was designated last year, has seen his defensive range decrease substantially over the past few years, and had a whopping .190 batting average in the 2011 season, a spot on the team at all should be a blessing. Inge should be happy that Fielder has arrived, as it gives his team a chance to be better, not be bitching and moaning because he's not going to start.

Think that's a little harsh? Think we're being mean to poor, sweet, fan-favorite Brandon Inge? We could be meaner. Look at what all-around douchelord Denny McClain had to say about Brandon this past weekend. After putting him on blast for whining, McClain tossed Inge's photo to the floor and said "That's he first time he's hit something in two years." Is Denny McClain a huge jerk? Yes. Was that unnecessarily mean of him? Yes. But, layered under mean-spiritedness and irony, McClain's statement was very true. Inge is past his prime, and he needs to get over it.

Look, Brandon. We love you, you know we do. We appreciate all you have done for Detroit in your many, many years here. But it is simply not cool to think that you're going to have a prayer of starting this year, let alone be complaining about it. This isn't 2006 anymore. At 34 years old, the only way a player survives much longer is if he can slug. You can't. That's not the reason we loved you. So swallow your pride, wipe your tears, and play out your last season in the D as a defensive replacement.

No one wants to be That Guy. The Guy who thinks he's a lot cooler, smarter, hotter, or better than he actually is. Remember who you are, Brandon. Please don't be That Guy.

Dave Dombrowski is a Sly, Sly, Dog...

...and we LOVE it!

In case you have no Twitter, no Facebook, and you haven't checked the Tigers' homepage in a few days, Prince Fielder is coming to Detroit!

This was probably the best kept secret in all of baseball because it surprised literally everyone. According to the idiots at ESPN, Jim Leyland didn't even know about the deal.  All of a sudden, Detroit baseball is on the map.  The major sports news teams are all abuzz about how amazing we will be in the years to come. We have the pitching, we have the hitting, and now, with Prince, we have the power!  Apparently, he will hit behind Cabrera in the lineup, replacing poor, injured Victor, and Miggy and Prince will split first base and DH.

The best and worst part about this deal?  The length. The deal is for NINE years, and 214 million dollars.  This is excellent because Prince is a career .280 hitter, with an OPS of just under one.  He hits with a lot of power, and if he's hitting behind Cabrera in the lineup, then Cabby will get a lot of on bases.   Cabby/Prince could be the best one-two punch in the American League, if not all of baseball. The negative to this is that if Prince can't make the adjustment to the Tigers, we're saddled with a very expensive benchwarmer.  We think it's an excellent move, however.  The tigers get a great DH to replace Victor Martinez, and when Victor comes back, we will most likely have the best hitting lineup in baseball.

Another great thing about Prince Fielder is that he's the son of Cecil Fielder, who played in Detroit for seven years.  Prince spent a large part of his childhood in the Detroit, and was certainly at one point in his life a tigers fan.  Love of the organization might make his transition here easier.  We're expecting more dugout shenanigans and hopefully another large personality on the team.

What does all this mean for Detroit?  Only good things.  We have an amazing pitching staff inVerlander, Fister, Porcello, Scherzer, Valverde, Coke, and Aburquerque, and we have some of the best hitters in baseball in Cabrera, Peralta, Avila (and least for a catcher), and now Prince.  We also have three of the biggest stars in the game: Fielder, Cabrera, and Verlander.  This all will put Detroit on the map in terms of both skill and star power, and we might have more exposure on the nation networks. (We can dream, right?)

We have to tip our caps to Dave Dombrowski for orchestrating what was probably a last minute trade in response to Victor's ACL injury.  Bravo, Dave, and welcome home, Sweet Prince!

P.S.  We screamed for a full 30 seconds when we saw this, no joke.  WE HAVE PRINCE FIELDER, SUCKAS!

Glimpses of Perfection

As many of the Tiger Faithful know, the Tigers' Winter Caravan started last Thursday. Now, we don't know about you, but initially the three of us were pretty pissed at Tigers Marketing. No TigerFest? Hello?!? We we were actually planning on going this year. "Screw that," we muttered bitterly while marking down the days until Spring Training on our 2012 Detroit Tigers calendar.  "We don't need them!"

Sour grapes, indeed.

Well, it looked like we did need those big 'ol goofballs after all. Seeing those (many) glorious pictures after (many) long days of Tiger-less-ness was EXACTLY what the doctor ordered. For us, seeing Justin Verlander atop a tank, Jose Valverde bagging groceries or Rick Porcello just standing there was almost like being in a cold, dark room for three months and then suddenly being thrust into the sun. If you didn't get that cheesy and ridiculous metaphor, let us put it this way:

SEEING THE TIGERS, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST BY WAY OF PHOTOGRAPH, IS ALWAYS AWESOME. ESPECIALLY AFTER MONTHS OF NOTHING BUT BORDOM AND PAIN.

The one thing that would be better than seeing Justin Verlander on a tank or Rick Porcello just standing there? Seeing them on the pitcher's mound, throwing freaking baseballs. We're close, people. But yet so far!

In case you missed out on the extreme awesomeness that was the Tigers Caravan, here are some of our favorite pics that we have stolen posted from the Tigers' website. We take it back, Tigers Marketing. We take it alll back.

In other news…

Obviously since Victor's injury the rumor mills have been a-whirlin' about who will replace him. We personally are big Vlad Guerrero fans, but that is just one of many options (not all of them good). Lately there has been lots of talk about Johnny Damon returning to the D. At first this idea wasn't really an attractive one--been there, done that--but the idea is quickly growing on us. Johnny only brought positivity and cohesiveness to the clubhouse, something that will be lacking with the departure of sweet V-Mart. Plus, he has a wonderful influence on the youngsters (we're looking at you, Austin!!!) and we all know how much the team liked their robes!

In all seriousness, losing Victor clearly was a blow, but it looks like the team will be fine--depending on who we get. If we get Vlad or Johnny, that's great! If we get someone like Manny Ramirez, euuhghghghghh! But In Dombrowski We Trust. His brilliance last year has given us few reasons to doubt him. All we can do is wait and see.

Good thing we're incredibly patient.

Not.

Pools of Sorrow, Waves of…More Sorrow

*SOB*

"In this long and lonely offseason, it's almost safe to say that any news is good news. Almost."
-April in the D, 1/16/12 (yesterday)

YEAH. That's a pretty freaking big almost.

Here we are, crying and whining about how boring this offseason is. How uneventful the past few months have been. Well, boo f**king hoo, because karma bit us and all the other greedy Tiger fans in the butt. In case you haven't heard, one of the best hitters and strongest leaders on the team, Victor Martinez, tore his ACL and is expected to undergo surgery. Surgery that would most likely sideline him for THE REST OF THE YEAR.

We don't know about the rest of you, but the three of us reacted in the following ways:
1) Tears. Many Tears.
2) Waves of Nausea
3) Strong Language
4) Equally Strong Desire to Punch a Wall
5) Fervent Denial ("Stupid internet rumors! THEY'RE SO SILLY")
6) Wild Conspiracy Theories ("Those nasty Yankees are getting back at us! THEY DID THIS")
7) Dark Acceptance ("Of course this would happen to us. The Tigers have the worst luck ever")


Poor, sweet V-Mart. What did he do to deserve such a thing? Of course it would happen to someone as glorious and good and leadership-y as him. It seriously couldn't have happened to anyone on the Rangers? They're dripping with offensive talent. Or what about Milton Bradley? He's a dick! Nooooo, it had to happen to Father of the Century Victor Martinez, a man who's on a team that, offensively, is wildly uneven talent-wise.

The reason we resisted posting this a few hours earlier was because the wounds were still fresh and painful. The wounds are still fresh and painful now, but we have moved on from Dark Acceptance and have reached

8) Looking Forward

V-Mart is good and gone for at least the first three quarters of the season. So now it is up to our fearless leader, Dave Dombrowski, to do his job and find us a replacement. Now he has some options; he could find a tried-and-true DH (like Vladimir Guerrero…we like that idea) and keep the rest of the lineup as is, or he could find a new left fielder (like Yoennis Cespedes…intriguing) or second baseman and move Delmon Young to DH. Another option, of course, is to find a replacement internally (like putting Ryan Raburn in the outfield).

We don't know about you, but to us there is nothing quite as horrifying as losing V-Mart and then replacing him with Ryan "I Suck Big in the First Half" Raburn. Look, we like Ryan Raburn. He has his pros, but he also most definitely has his cons. The three of us don't think that the Detroit system has enough talent to fill in for Victor Martinez effectively and efficiently.

No one is going to be able to fully replace V-Mart. Duh. And certainly no one is going to replace Little Victor. But this awful situation reminds us of another unfortunate event that happened around this time last year. Miguel Cabrera was arrested for a DUI, and many writers and media personalities and "fans" said that it would bring Miggy down and cripple the team. Jim Leyland called that bullshit, and Cabrera went on to win the batting title and lead his team to an ALCS appearance.

This team is tough. They know how to deal with hard situations. If the 2012 Tigers are anything like the 2011 squad, they can bounce back from this.

Of course, Dave has to come through on his end. We wait with baited breath on who he will bring in (if anyone…shudder) to help make something good out of this situation.

Comings and Goings

Good news or bad news first?

In this long and lonely offseason, it's almost safe to say than any news is good news. Almost.

Joel Zumaya agreeing to terms with the Twins definitely isn't our idea of a fantastic situation. Who wants to see a once-adored member of the team go over to the Dark Side? And here we were, just starting to really pity the Twins for how bad they're going to be next year. Screw that. Sorry Joel, but we are never again praying for your return to glory.

So now the good news…Rick Porcello and Phil Coke have avoided arbitration and agreed to terms with the Tigers! This makes us very, very happy, seeing as we love Phil Coke's insanity and interesting hairstyles and Rick Porcello's physique and gorgeousness sinker.

Dressing Like A Boss

And for all who did not catch our main man Justin Verlander on Conan, it was a treat. He showed off his  fashion-forward blue and brown suit with some kick-ass brown shoes, and seemed funny and at ease. As he should be. If the man can throw two no-hitters, he can sure as hell go on a silly talk show for ten minutes. 

Some people out there in the blogging world and Twitterverse didn't like JV's attire, but we really did. Maybe we should start forgiving him for the Ed Hardy and overly-jelled hair.

The fact that a Cy Young and MVP winner can eat Taco Bell before every start not only makes us question our own dieting strategies, but it also makes us marvel at the strength of Justin's stomach. Who the hell can eat that much Taco Bell and not be embarrassingly sick the day after?!

Withdrawal

Media Darlings!

This winter is getting pretty gruesome. Not weather-wise, mind you, but baseball-wise. Dave Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' Front Office has figuratively thrown all us Tigers fans into a barren, cruel, no-Tigers-news world and slammed the Door of Exciting Offseason Moves in our faces.

Dramatic? Hmm, maybe, but are we really the only ones experiencing withdrawal so bad that it's only comparable to Jared Leto's condition circa Requiem for a Dream? We kind of doubt it.  Once we get over our misery, however, it would be good of us to note that there is some upcoming fun stuff for us Tiger faithful. Let us list them!

1. Justin Verlander is on Conan!
This one is actually very, very exciting. This Wednesday night at 11 pm Justin Brooks Verlander will be gracing us with his glorious and godly presence on Conan on TBS. Now that he is Cy Young winner/MVP/Lord of All Baseball, I'm sure JV and Conan will talk at length about baseball stuff, how it feels to be so amazing, what is up with all the Ed Hardy stuff, blah blah blah. Speaking of which, what will Verlander wear? Seriously, the two of them could talk about dirt and we would be glued to the screen. Anything that connects us to the Tigs is a win win!

2. Rick Porcello was on MLB Network
Yes, we know this isn't an upcoming thing and that it already happened, but still...LOOK AT HIM! Watch his glorious interaction with the group has he regales us with stories ranging from his legendary takedown of Kevin PUKElis (original, we know), his 2010 struggles, and how hard it is to find a girlfriend gym in the offseason. And as usual Ricky is looking damn fine, if a little pale. It was a "Hot Stove" indeed!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course it was nice to see a Tiger finally on there.

3.
…

Yeah. "…"You know why? BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING ELSE. As glorious as it was to see Porcello and it will be to see Verlander, we all better start praying to Tebow that there will be something else going on in the near future, because we are turning into empty, hollow shells of our former selves due to lack of Tigers news. Maybe this is a good thing; as soon as the baseball season does actually come around, the three of us begin to act like one-track-minded 13-year-old boys, but instead of girls and boobs and girls all we can think of is baseball and baseball and baseball. So at least we have a semblance of a normal life. BUT IT'S NOT WHAT WE WANT.

The only thing that could sate us would be some nice, big happy signing or a safe-yet-inventive trade. Something that would result in a quality player who is a great addition to the team. An interesting/good player is the only thing we ask for!

…Well, either that or Rick Porcello signing a contract to model for Calvin Klein Underwear.

Withdrawal really is making us crazy.

Gossip 'N Stuff

Are they or aren't they?

That seems to be the question of the moment when referring to the Tigers' interest in some of the few remaining star pitchers left to be traded, including Matt Garza and Jair Jurrjens. It was reported that the Tigers had a high level of interest in Garza especially, and that they might be even willing to trade the young hot shot Jacob Turner for him. To most diehard Tigers fans, a Turner trade sounded like a terrible, awful, no good, very bad idea.

Luckily, our hero Dave Dombrowski assuaged our fears by confirming that the Tigers would not be trading Jacob Turner. In fact, he went on to say that not only were the Tigers not trading Turner, but they weren't looking to trade for any high profile pitchers at all.

Ooookay.

While we know that it's good long-term to hold on to Turner, wouldn't it have been fun to see Garza wear the Old English D? Sure, we cursed his name when he no-hit the 2010 squad, but doesn't that show that he really is a true talent and has only good things in his future? He would have filled out our rotation quite nicely this year.

We really do get it, though. Turner will (or at least, should) pay off for us in the end. The three of us are just impatient and greedy, and the mere mention of a  potential Garza trade excited us. Sigh…

But HEY. Don't worry, people, our fearless leader gave us some other thrilling news this week. In an explosive deal, the Tigers have acquired 29-year-old 2B/OF Eric Patterson from the San Diego Padres. WOW!

Not.

It now looks more and more likely that the Santiago/Raburn platoon will continue. Excuse our language, but f**k no. Yeah, they both definitely have their moments, but Raburn should be banned from playing the infield and Santiago's hitting is sporadic at best. Is Martin Prado really too much to hope for, Dave?? I know we can't have a sexy, game-changing Victor Martinez deal every year, but can't you make some kind of semi-attractive move?

The days drag on, with not even TigerFest to look forward too. We're so desperate for baseball over here, we might "accidentally" show up at the inaugural Kid's Convention in a few weeks at Comerica. We can see ourselves now, being dragged kicking and screaming from the stadium by security after trying to pass ourselves off as twelve year olds, the Tigers players looking on in disgust.

Now THAT would be interesting news.